Six Tips to Reduce the Stress of Leaving Your Infant for the First Time

By Christina Zulandi

"I'm not coming," I hear the shaky voice on the other end of the phone tell me. "I just can't leave her. Not yet."

That was Jill three weeks ago when she backed out of our plans for a "girls night out." Her daughter, Ashley, was 13 weeks old at the time, and this was the first night Jill had planned to be away from her.

No big deal; I understood of course. I think all moms (and dads) would understand! Fact is, whether you're a working mom or stay-at-home mom, it's inevitable: you will leave your baby for the first time, sometime.

Leaving your newborn can be one of the most stressful parts of being a new parent: you'll likely feel guilty, anxious, worried and scared. And whether you're gone for five minutes or five hours, your baby will be on your mind the whole time.

What if he or she gets hungry? What if he cries and no one hears him? What if whoever is watching him doesn't understand what he wants? Will he sit in a dirty diaper? Will he go to bed on time? Will he get the love and attention he needs?

The truth is everyone deals with leaving their infant for the first time differently. While some parents are anxious and call every hour, others are simply happy for a break, no matter how short it may be.

Neither way is right or wrong. And the good news is that it gets easier every time. Here are six tips to make leaving your infant for the first time easier and less stressful than you ever imagined:

1. Start in small time increments. This is especially helpful if you're going back to work. The eight hours you spend at the office will probably feel more like eight days. So if you know you'll have to leave your baby for long periods at a time, try to start small. Run to the grocery store. Run to the bank. Do something quick the first time around and slowly build up to those longer stretches.
   
   
2. Leave when your baby is sleeping. Leaving when your baby is awake and looking at you increases the guilt and anxiety you already feel. So if your care provider's schedule is flexible, put your baby down and sneak out while he or she is snoozing. Your baby might not even know you were gone until you get back.
   
   
3. Pump extra. If you're breast feeding, pump extra to leave behind. Because your baby relies on you for everything he or she needs, you may feel like your abandoning him or her the first time you leave. You're not; don't feel guilty. Pumping extra will help you stay calm if anything (like traffic, for example) keeps you from getting home on schedule. So plan ahead for peace of mind; you can store your milk for up to a week in the refrigerator and six months in the freezer.
   
   
4. Leave your baby with a loved one. If you're concerned your baby won't get the love and attention he or she needs while you're gone, you're not alone. Most new parents worry as much or more about their babies' emotional needs than their physical ones. To contend with this worry, leave your baby with a relative or with a good friend the first time you go.
   
   Of course, not everyone is fortunate enough to have parents or loved ones close by. So remember that Sitters.com has built-in tools that allow you to screen every care provider's profile for the exact experience and qualities that match for your child and his or her specific needs. (Not to mention complete access to background checks and our All-Mom Editorial Team.)
   
   
5. Call home. You're baby will be on your mind; there's no getting around that. Calling home will keep you from worrying and give you the peace of mind you need to focus on your work or to have a good time. And don't worry about being “annoying” or “paranoid.” Any good sitter will understand your concerns and happily update you on your baby's status.
   
   
6. Now relax and have a good time. Enjoying yourself isn't selfish, and it doesn't make you a bad parent. Take this time away to do something enjoyable for yourself. Reconnect with your husband, go to the gym - just get out and do something for yourself. This will help make your first time away from your infant a more pleasant experience. In fact, you'll be surprised how renewed and refreshed this little “break” can make you if you follow these tips and cut the stress out of your first time away from your newborn.

Interview with Kimberley Clayton Blaine

By Mike Cravens, CEO, Sitters.com

As you probably know by now, we often feature Kimberley Clayton Blaine in our blog. Kimberley runs The Go-To Mom (www.thegotomom.tv) and offers great advice on parenting. This week’s post features an interview with Kimberley on her new book!

Interview Q & A with Kimberley Clayton Blaine, Author of Mommy Confidence: 8 Easy Steps to Reclaiming Balance, Motivation and Your Inner Diva

Why did you write this book?
I wrote Mommy Confidence as an easy step-by-step guide to help a mom accept all aspects of her mommyhood - whether she is a full-time mom, works outside the home, or is an entrepreneur. There are so many hidden feelings—attitudes that a lot of women have in common about being a mom—but for some reason we don’t share them or verbalize them with each other.

My steps help a mommy get back on track to being her true, authentic self. The self that most women think they have lost or could probably never attain. I believe that if all women band together and stop competing we can gracefully transition into motherhood without incorporating all the unrealistic ideals that society has preserved over the years.

Moms often hear they need to cut things out of their schedules to manage life better, but you say something different. Tell us about that.
Yes, simplifying makes life a lot easier, especially on an over-burdened mommy. However, I believe moms need to do more than just cut things out. A well-balanced mom will find more motivation engaging in the things that bring her vitality, if she actually takes the time to do so. Taking a short break is not enough. Moms need to actively seek out former self-care activities they used to do before they had children.

You encourage mothers to fake confidence and you give a very funny example in your book about how you fake it. How does faking confidence work? If you keep telling someone something with conviction, over and over again, he or she will eventually believe it. It’s the concept of brainwashing, but for us I’ll call it brain pampering! Believe me, it works. I’m my own worst critic. I find the most beneficial time for me to fake-it is when I find everyday conversations and thoughts are overtaken with self-pity or negativity. Self-denigration is toxic and stops the body from allowing good energy to flow.

Apparently you are a type-A mom and are very vocal about how you don’t do things perfectly as a mom, so how did you narrow your steps down to eight? Do you practice all eight steps yourself?
Yes, I invented the steps! I consider myself a very confident women, however, I still need resources and a good support system to maintain my mommy well-being. I often live by the steps especially when I fall off the mommy wagon. For example, sometimes I get into a slump and need to refresh my mommy soul. The eight steps are a good place to start. A mom can add her own steps as well. All mommies need a "pick-me-up" every now and then or something to motivate her to become a fulfilled woman again -- that’s what the book does.

Your book has some unique advice and an innovative perspective. For example, you mention that mommy competition can affect a mom’s self-esteem. Can you tell us more about that?
The more women continue the cycle of female or mommy competition the less chance we have to build a universal female support system. Women need women. Little girls need to be taught to celebrate the successes of other girls while still embracing their differences. If women support other women, and I mean confident women, then our daughters will learn that there is no place for clique-ish, catty behavior and that others who exceed far beyond us shall be applauded. This stance starts in the home and is taught by mothers.

By adhering to the concept of "Women as a team" we begin to break the traditional roles for women in the workplace. Women don't hire other women in today’s current economy. Men hire women. I truly believe that once women begin to support one another, then we can move up the corporate ladder more easily and frequently. If I were a CEO you better bet I’d hire a woman for an executive position! And if she were a mom it would be even more likely.

The Go-To Mom is a great name. How did you come up with it?
At first it was kind of a joke. Many moms call on me -- whether they are looking for the right birthday present, when to start their baby on cheerios, or how to tame the toddler tantrum. So naturally, The Go-To Mom fit. I knew it was the right title when I was helping my girlfriend register at one of those huge baby super stores, and I found that we had a trail of moms following us around to hear my reviews on the all products.

The Go-To Mom.TV is a webshow for parents with young children and is syndicated on the Internet to a very large audience. How did you get into that? Is that your main business?
Yes, my main mission is to educate American parents about the best child rearing practices. The Go-To Mom's mission is to give parents invaluable information in a short period of time. I'm a specialist in non-coercive, non-aggressive parenting, and I am a hands-on mom. I teach moms and dads the basics of parenting through relationship. Most of us have been taught parenting through coercion which is not only ineffective but is damaging to a child. I advise parents to review how they were parented, so that they don’t repeat the same mistakes. From my perspective, parenting through relationship is not a strategy but a philosophy.

Tell us three things that we don’t know about The Go-To Mom. Charm us.

• I have a foundation for children of trauma. I plan on spending the rest of my life advocating for children who don’t have a voice or choice.
• I love cars that have tires with shiny 19-inch rims.
• I would of love to have been a retro pin-up girl model in the 50’s.

Please feel free to post comments and questions for Kimberley.

Kimberley Clayton Blaine, MA, MFT is a national parenting expert and a licensed Family and Child Therapist who specializes in working with children ages newborn to six years old. Kimberley is the founder and executive producer of a grassroots webshow, called www.TheGoToMom.TV. Kimberley is a national speaker and teaches Early Childhood Brain Development and Positive Discipline Strategies at UCLA Extension Education Department.

For more information on Kimberley’s book, Mommy Confidence: 8 Easy Steps to Reclaiming Balance, Motivation and Your Inner Diva visit www.MommyConfidence.com.

Turn the Notorious Bewitching Hour Into Mommy & Daddy Happy Hour

By Kimberley Clayton Blaine, MA, MFT

This scenario is all too common. Recognize it? Is this your household? 5:30 hits, the kids are cranky, singing loudly, asking questions, pushing siblings, the kitchen is hot and steaming with chicken baking in the oven while you answer the phone and say, "I can’t hear you, I’m a mom."

It’s no secret that moms have a hard time finding time for themselves, let alone finding time to reconnect with their spouse. Many moms tend to accept the role as #3 on the family totem pole, with the order being, kids first, hubby second and then herself last. No wonder moms feel so isolated and burnt out. Does a mom really have to have an empty nest before she can properly take care of herself? What message does that send her kids? Romi Lassally, the author of the new book, True Mom Confessions: Real Moms Get Real, says, “We need to follow the airlines instructions and assist ourselves first so we can be there for others.

As the author of Mommy Confidence: 8 Easy Steps to Reclaiming Balance, Motivation and Your Inner Diva, I certainly know that moms spend very little time nurturing themselves or taking time away from the family for mommy cherishing activities.

Who said that once we become a mom that we shouldn’t indulge in mommy confidence building moments? Moms need confidence and balance to be a good parent and wife. A burnt out mommy is NOT a good thing. Moms need help more than kids do. How can a mom care-take her family if she is not taking care of herself?

I’m a real nice mom when I’m not running the rat race. If I get sucked in to over-scheduling or try to handle too much at once I begin to feel the mean mommy come out. Who wants a mean mommy?

I make a point to set up what I call, “Happy Hour Speed Date” with my husband. I arrange a sitter to come over from 5-7 pm to watch the kids. My husband and I enjoy a lovely time at one of the local bars flirting, eating and reconnecting. We have made this a regular routine that we try to do a few times a month. We come home from our speed date by 7:30 tuck our little tikes into bed and feel great that everybody wins!

Making a conscious effort to take time for your self is essential for good mothering. A happy woman makes a happy mom and a happy wife.

Kimberley Clayton Blaine, MA, MFT is a national parenting expert and a licensed Family and Child Therapist who specializes in working with children ages newborn to six years old. Kimberley is the founder and executive producer of a grassroots webshow, called www.TheGoToMom.TV. Kimberley is a national speaker and teaches Early Childhood Brain Development and Positive Discipline Strategies at UCLA Extension Education Department.