Avoid Raising a Mamma's Boy

By Mike Cravens, CEO, Sitters.com

Mamma's boys. We all know at least one. I hear women talk about bad dates with this type of guy; having to listen to him talk about his mom during an entire dinner. Some mamma's boys have their mother make all of the decisions for him. We all love our mother and most of us have a healthy relationship with our parents. However, mamma's boys have unhealthy relationship issues with their mother that tend to start at a young age and develop into serious issues later in life.

I ran into one earlier this summer. I watched this guy lose his mind over perceived disrespect to his mother. Turns out that a full seven months had past between the "incident" and this guy's temper tantrum. Putting all details aside, if the "incident" was as terrible as this guy made it out to be, why would he let seven months go by without saying anything? The reality is that there was no incident. The guy is a mamma's boy and acted out with the typical emotional immaturity that all mamma's boys seem to possess.

I pondered how this guy turned into what he is today. When it comes to his mother, he lies, exaggerates, spreads rumors, and looks at anyone interacting with his mother as threatening. How the heck did this guy grow up to become so insecure? I decided to do some research to find out and, more importantly, to share with you how we can avoid the same pitfalls.

Turns out that mamma's boys have a tendency to overreact in general, but when it comes their mother, they get extremely irrational. Momma's boys tend to let their insecurity manifest into anger and lash out against people in unfounded bursts. Being aware that such behavior is not normal, they tend to justify their actions by exaggerating the reasons for their outbursts. Their families, having grown up with this type of behavior, tend to brush it off with comments like, "He's always been this way about mom." The reality is that this type of person will only gain emotional maturity when their families hold him accountable and when he learns to apologize rather than justify.

So how can we go about not raising a mamma's boy? Dr. Maria Kelly, a pediatric professor at the University of Florida explains that a mother can consciously practice some male code behaviors. In doing so, it is important for mothers to realize that males and females deal with situations and environments differently. "This is normal, and she should not try to feminize normal male-patterned behavior," says Dr. Kelly. "For example, she should try not to solve problems for him, and she should encourage him to develop his 'manly' ways to resolve his issues."

Keep in mind that we're not talking about a normal bond that mothers and sons share. The unhealthy relationship that can manifest into a mamma's boy situation is a mother having a closeness with her son in order to fill a void. "Although one can argue either way, a strong parental bond is essential for success in today's stressful world," says Dr. Kelly. "A good maternal relationship with children, whether male or female, should be based on parental consistency, patience, open communication and, especially, love. These parental virtues are the most successful at developing a psychologically competent child in an at-times difficult world."

For starters, help your son develop his own identity. Your son should have his own interests, hobbies, and friends that do not require constant input from mom. Your son having some time away from mom is healthy and should be encouraged.

Just about every mom experiences loneliness from time to time but a mom should not become dependent on her son to fill a void. Attend baseball practice, scouts, and school field trips but also take time for yourself.

As your son gets older, do not interfere in your son's love life. Provide limited input without prying and be happy for your son when he's happy.

Allow your son to make important decisions on his own. You've raised a strong, confident, and smart thinker. He'll stumble from time to time but in the end he will do the right thing. Making his own decisions increases self esteem and leads to a healthier mother-son relationship.

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